Offbeat Geek

Looks like double dutch to me

I was shown some basic car maintenance jobs.  Air filter replacement, changing oil and other such handy D.I.Y. car things.  So yesterday afternoon I attempted my first solo oil change.  I went out with high hopes; they were promptly dashed…

My first mistake was leaving the car on the inclined concrete driveway. This would lead to a problem shortly after commencing the draining process.  In my enthusiasm to get started I neglected to remove the splash guard under the engine. This lead to a rather comical attempt at trying to remove the drain plug from the oil pan. After a fair amount tugging the bolt finally came loose.

As the oil poured out of the bottom of the car into the covered basin I noticed my first mistake. I watched in horror as the oil basin top began filling faster than the tiny funnel at it’s base could drain it.  This was when the incline made things “difficult”.  In a panic I tried to get the plug back into the oil pan. Not only did I fail but the plug fell into the oil basin and clogged the funnel. Desperate to avoid oil spilling onto, and staining, the concrete I tried to level out the basin. Being a little too eager I over tipped it.  Oil spilled out over the far side. Now panicked I quickly lowered the basin in an attempt to compensate which led to more oil on the concrete.  There was nobody around to help me remedy this problem. I watched helplessly as the oil dribbled over the mat and down the driveway.

My next door neighbor arrived just in the nick of time.  He came to the rescue with the removable tray from the bottom of his old fridge. We then proceeded to extract the basin and get the oil to drain by removing the bolt from the warm dirty oil.  Next we worked on trying to get the oil out of the concrete while the remaining oil dripped out from the car.  It was suggested that I use Windex to help get the oil up. For the most part this helped. There had been so much spilled however that the stains were still clearly present.

Our next task was to remove the oil filter. Located just behind the right front wheel well this proved to be ridiculously difficult to remove until we managed to get our hands on an oil filter wrench from my neighbor across the street. However just prior to that we unplugged the negative clamp from the battery as we were growing concerned at the static electricity-like crackling we were hearing. By the time the wrench was introduced there were four of us who were working on the car. The filter eventually became loose enough to screw out by hand. After bit of ‘midwifery’ we managed to get the spent filter free from the car.

I began to think I was out of the woods. All that was left to do now was: replace the drain plug, attach the new oil filter, and pour the four and a half quarts of fresh clean motor oil into the engine. Easy as pie right? Wrong!

Naturally the drain plug was not a problem.  It took about 20 minutes to get the dammed oil filter into place and secured.  We then re-grounded the battery and filled the engine with oil. At this point almost two hours had passed since I started this little project. We were already late to my Girlfriend’s belated birthday dinner at her parents house.  I was stressing quite a bit by this point. I secured the battery, closed the engine cap and dropped the hood. My fingers were crossed as I put the key in the ignition. We were worried that the crackling sound we heard was something that we blew out near the filter. I turned the key all the way.  There was a brief shudder then nothing.

I finally gave in.  Some reinforcements were needed. I couldn’t allow my girlfriend to miss her own party so I called her parents and requested a pickup. My next call was to the guy who was introducing me to all this car knowledge.  After explaining the situation to him we thought it best not to proceed any further until he arrived to have a peek in person.

With my girlfriend on her way to her parents I waited for my mentor to show up.  I convinced myself that I had killed the car. A short while later he arrived with a slew of electronic testing equipment to check the circuitry and fuses.  About five to 10 minutes of prodding later he realizes what was wrong.  The negative clamp to the battery which we had taken off was not put back on tight enough. Naturally the car could not start without a complete circuit. Once he tightened the clamp the car started like a charm and I could finally move it off my driveway to get rid of the oil stains.

Much like everything in life, the simplest problem can cause such massive issues.  Even though I vowed never to go near a car’s internals again I think I’ll have to try another oil change with the proper tools and preparation.  After all it’s my policy to try something twice as you could get unlucky with your first attempt.  I thought it would be nice to share my botched attempt so as to have a written reference for what not to do next time. Besides it was kind of funny in hindsight!